from the bigdumbHoosier Archive - 12.31.2000
Predictions for 2001
President* Bush will discover that America is facing a pressing oil shortage that can only be cured by exporting more Alaskan oil to Japan.
More than 10,000 arrests will be made during the Bush Presidential* Coronation (errr, Inauguration); approximately half of the arrests will be for "looking kinda' liberal". However, to the disappointment of core Bush supporters, fewer than ten of those arrested will be "put to death".
President* Bush will appoint Bob Knight ambassador to China. Katherine Harris will be appointed to a newly established cabinet level post heading the Bureau for Historical Revisionism, with headquarters located at the newly refurbished and renamed Reformatory for Misguided Yankees at Andersonville, Ga.
As part of his effort to boost standardized testing scores President* Bush will issue an executive order abolishing the distinction between plural and singular verbs, saying "Our children has the right to a higher tomorrow."
Bill Clinton's career will reach new heights when he is selected to replace Jay Leno as host of the Tonight Show.
In Indiana we'll do things "the way we always done 'em".
Rock legends The Who will embark on their "positively final world tour", sponsored by Crazy Bob's "Going Out of Business Forever Furniture and Appliance Store".
Rush Limbaugh will spend most of the year attacking the unlimited debate rules of the U.S. Senate.
In Israel things get really ugly when the European Union admits a new member: Palestine. President* Bush will address the crisis by staring into the TV camera like a deer in the headlights while standing in front of 426 flags. Shortly after this awkward incident leaves President* Bush's approval ratings at an all-time low, a brief but expensive war will break out in an oil rich region of the third world.
The Surgeon General will reveal that research previously hidden from the public by the Clinton administration proves that tobacco is actually good for you, and (among other benefits) enhances sexual performance in middle aged men. In an oddly parallel revelation, the Secretary of the Interior will announce that a new government study has shown that PCBs enhance the flavor of bottom dwelling fishes, as well as acting as a preservative.
In another stunning scientific breakthrough, two ranks of genetically modified corn will march at the front of the Purdue University Band during their halftime show at the Boilermaker's home football opener.
To demonstrate the safety and environmental friendliness of state of the art pork production, Archer-Daniels-Midland will move their corporate headquarters to a multi-story tower over a 50,000 head hog confinement facility to be constructed in downtown Indianapolis. Indiana Farm Bureau will share the plush and fragrant new digs at the glittering new building, dubbed the "Hoosier Pork Palace", along with the Institute for the Advancement of Influenza.
